Sometimes I think that my major flaw is that I’m so blind to all the proof of the magnitude of God’s love. Now this post is partly a confession, but more importantly a source of motivation for those struggling with self-doubt like I have been. Last week was a pretty bad week for me, in pretty much every area of my life (when is it not, huh?). Once all the problems piled up to a point where I believed I couldn’t handle it anymore, I began by doing exactly what I do every time I’m upset: Drive to absolutely nowhere for a couple of hours until I calm down and shut out everyone until I’m ready to deal with the “real world.” I think it’s true when people say that we are our own worst critic. My ability to blow things up into a bigger deal than they are still astounds me; I feel like a dramatic teenager again who thinks the world is ending because of one silly little upset in life. (I can only say this looking back, catch me in the moment and it’s unfortunately a different story).
So my question is: When things aren’t going the way we expect them to, how do we view our futures? Do we choose to be nearsighted and dwell on how we are affected by things today? Or does our relationship with our Father help us have a far sighted view of what He has planned for us? It’s so hard for me to think of the bigger picture when I’m upset. Even with the knowledge of God’s grace time and time again in my past situations, I find myself doubting Him. If I had just stopped for a moment to pray to God for guidance, would I have handled my pain differently?
“What am I? That I might be called your Child…
That you might know me, my King…”
— Beautiful by Shawn McDonald
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked this question myself. I am constantly sinning but so aware of the responsibility I have to be an example of Christ in this world. It’s a terrifying thought, to think that the way I’m living my life isn’t always in the best light. I wonder, would God be as hysterical as I am when He is upset at the people He loved? I know I’ve upset Him time and time again, and yet all I ever felt when I came back to His presence is forgiveness and deep love! My proof is found in His death and resurrection. He thought of ME when He sent His son to endure all that suffering. Who am I to deserve that?
Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for; through the fear of the Lord a man avoids evil. When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him. Better a little with righteousness than much gain with injustice. In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.
We may not always have everything in place the way we want, but our job isn’t to put the pieces together for ourselves or for anyone else. God has already laid out the plans, we just have to follow. I found that once I had faith that God took care of all my flaws on that Cross, it became clear that the reason why He did that for me is because I am His child, His Daughter, His princess. Not because I deserve it, by any means, but because His love overtakes my sins. And in knowing that, I see the bigger picture: My duties as His daughter will always be more important than “Caroline’s to-do list.”
“How You hold them in Your hands
And still You know this man
You know my inner most being, oh
Even better than I know, than I know myself
What a beautiful God”
— Beautiful by Shawn McDonald