Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. | Proverb 4:23
Do you remember the first time your heart began to dream for that special someone? For me, I think it began around the time I had my mom read Cinderella to me. Finding Prince Charming seemed like such an amazing idea! I still remember being just six years old when I started to have “crushes”. I just acknowledged that I had a crush, but even at that age I rarely acted out on those feelings.
Fast forward to my middle school years… I was the epitome of a geek. I had blue metallic framed glasses, my clothes were absolutely unflattering on my shapeless lanky body, and my hairstyle literally looked a rip off of Laura Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie with my two braids. At that age, I truly thought I was the plainest human being. I had zero self-esteem. My friends would tell me I was pretty, but I didn’t believe them. I just figured that they were biased and trying to be my friend. In my mind, if boys weren’t asking me out or trying to attract my attention, then that must mean that I wasn’t considered pretty… I wasn’t good enough.
Despite being in my “emo” stage, there was still this flicker of hope in my heart, and at age thirteen I actually began praying for my future husband. I believe this was only possible because I started to invest more in my relationship with Jesus. As I continued to pursue Jesus, something FINALLY switched in my mind! Jesus was pursuing me the WHOLE time! Let me tell you, this realization took years before it took root in my heart. That was when I made the decision to just be myself and stop trying to “fit in.” What did that look like? I wore what I wanted, not what was considered fashionable. I kept my hair curly instead of straightening it.
Let me just say that my hair was a source of self-derision for a good chunk of my life. I had this head of thick curly hair that had a mind of its own, and I didn’t know how to take care of it! When I was introduced to a hair straightener, I thought it was the equivalent of manna from heaven for my hair! When I straightened my hair, I got more complements. People told me I looked pretty! When I began to see myself through Jesus’ eyes instead of people’s eyes, I realized that I was basically telling Jesus that I didn’t like how He made me.
That was when I made the firm decision that my future husband would have to love me for being me, curly hair and all! I realized that God had stitched me together very purposefully, and I had faith that God also stitched a man for me who would understand and appreciate that.
Now, does that mean I waited patiently at my window waiting my Prince to show up? Nope! There were countless times that I felt very alone. I would meet great God-fearing guys, hope would stir, but the friendships never went beyond friendships or I never felt that spark in my heart.
Once I hit my college years, a thought occurred to me, “What if I am not supposed to be married?” I was so focused on finding a guy that I didn’t think to ask God what He thought about it! I was incredibly taken aback by such a thought, but I knew I needed to delve into God’s Word and really seek after God’s will. In the end, I surrendered it all to God. I knew that Jesus was more than sufficient to meet all my needs whether it was to remain as a single person or to find a life partner. With that in mind, I continued to pray for my future husband, but this time with the caveat that this should only happen if it’s God’s will.
Tune in next time to see how things progressed!